|
|
Inspiring people in the never-ending search for the best
within themselves.
|
Spring 2001
In this Months Issue:
1. Mission Most
Possible! Becoming a TurnAround Specialist
2. e-Mail a link to this page to your friends.
3. Update on MasterMinding.
|
 
It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life
that no man can sincerely try to help another
without helping himself.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
Mission:
Most Possible!
Your Assignment for June, should you decide to accept it, is to practice being a TurnAround
Specialist for one month and see how dramatically your life shifts, alters and changes for the
better.
What is a TurnAround Specialist?
Someone who looks at False Evidence
Appearing Real and chooses instead to
look for NEW EVIDENCE!
I have spoken to over 20,000 people in the past two
years, and I have found that almost every organization/corporation has a Mary Ann M. You know
her. She's a bit on the frumpy side, is insecure, a bit needy for approval and gives the
appearance of being incompetent and confused about even being deserving of a job.
The Mary Ann's we know have hearts of gold and are
incredibly caring and genuinely interested in everyone's well being. They really do care, it's
not just a front. In fact, the Mary Ann's of this world would give you the shirt off of their
back if you needed it, just because they care that deeply for humanity. The Mary Ann's are often
put down and made fun of in our work world. They receive VIBES from their
coworkers, (and families) ever so discreetly, and in a politically correct fashion, which imply
that they are incompetent, co-dependent, just too sensitive and they just let people walk all
over them. They've been labeled: Losers!
I met my first Mary Ann when I began a new elementary
counseling position late in the school year in one of the most elite and wealthiest schools in
the city. In my first marriage, I was married to a football coach, and he would accept another
coaching advancement into a new school about every three years as he was climbing the ladder. I
consistently found coming into a new school a most interesting event. There seems to be a
protocol for the new kid on the block, and people quickly make themselves available to 1) check
you out and see if you are one of them, and 2) bring you up to speed on all the evidence about
the Losers on the faculty, the bad Loser kids and 3)anything else newsworthy about the community
and certain parents to watch out for or who were Losers. This was the EVIDENCE
and therefore, it was considered to be the only worthy truth about current situations. Not
everybody on staff participated in this update of course, especially not the Losers! Or were they
really the Losers? Well you can ponder that one!
As I was introduced at the first staff meeting, I
would immediately become aware of who was who in the "pecking order," and I know you
know what I mean about that. I went to each class and introduced myself, and I began to
familiarize myself with what each teacher was going to want from my counseling services. Through
the course of that first week of introductions, I was filled in on who were the superior teachers
and who were the Losers that nobody wanted to be around or associated with. Mary Ann and a few
others were mentioned in my conversations with various teachers and the Principal, all on the
order of bringing me up to speed!
SuccessByte #1: You Can Lead Horse to Water and Make Him/Her Drink!
This "Mary Ann" was an older woman, had
been a teacher for twenty years and was one of three first-grade teachers. The common criticism
from parents was that Mary Ann was too unorganized, had no discipline, and was basically
ineffectual with kids. The other two first grade teachers were considered the
"superior" teachers.
When I first met Mary Ann, I loved her the minute I
met her. Not because I felt sorry for her, but because she was a most innately pure and loving
woman. She was outwardly insecure and deeply troubled with her ability to perform. My first
several visits to her classroom did reveal that she had difficulty managing her students, but to
her credit, she was giving it all she had. She had only one friend at this school who truly loved
Mary Ann, but even she had the same opinion of her that the rest of the faculty carried.
If a person were to look with soft eyes, they would
have been able to see that sitting right on top of Mary Ann's psyche was the heavy, unforgiving
weight of her peers' condescending vibes of: Loser, Loser, Loser. The outlay of this negative
stream of energy coming at Mary Ann from her peers was everywhere; in the halls, lunchroom,
playgrounds and faculty lounge. The evidence was in, and no matter how hard she tried with these
kids, the label of Loser, and the fear around the implications of that label, loomed large over
her. The external evidence did in fact have an energetic affect and was disabling her ability to
function at high levels with the children. As I observed her with soft eyes I knew that when
the time was right, I would begin working with her to turn all that debilitating evidence
around and find new evidence that would give her a leg up.
It wasn't very long before the time was right.
Late one afternoon, right before Parent-Teacher Conference night, I went into Mary Ann's
classroom to discuss the results of an assessment I had given her class. I found her in her
classroom with disheveled stacks of work spread out in front of her. She was sitting at one of
the little kid tables on a little first grade chair, with her knees about up to her neck. I was
struck by how little she looked. She was totally beaten down and frazzled with worry. It was only
about an hour before the parents would begin arriving. I sat down with her and she immediately
told me she didn't know what to do. She shared openly with me that she feared that there would be
some very angry parents coming in the next two days at these conferences. She didn't know how she
was going to explain why her children weren't as far along in their schoolwork as the children in
the other first grade classrooms.
Mary Ann's internal self talk had obviously agreed
with the vibes of the majority of the staff that she was an incompetent Loser. She couldn't
figure a way out because she had never been directed with empowerment, only condescending you
should know better or have at least learned this by now attitudes from her peers and school
officials. The evidence, up to this point, was totally substantiated by the fact that her
students weren't performing anywhere near up to the standards that they needed to be.
Energetically, I reached out and touched her with my
love, and I said that I thought she was great. I told her that the love she showed each and every
kid in her class had warmed my heart every time I had been in her room. I told her she must not
underestimate the results that her unconditional regard for each and every child would ultimately
bring by the end of the school year. I told her I had some information that I felt would shed
some light on what she had been experiencing with this group.
SuccessByte #2: Keep it in the present and only refer to the new tangible evidence. No
matter how small it may seem, build up the new evidence as if it were the only evidence that now
matters.
The facts: The assessment that I had given
Mary Ann's students revealed that 56% of her classroom were student's at-risk and therefore below
level learners for now. They came into her class that way, but with Mary Ann's unconditional
regard and care, it does not have to remain this way. What these kind of statistics mean to a
teacher, even the most competent of teachers, is that initially they may have to work three times
as hard to keep this population of students in their seats, paying attention and staying involved
in learning.
The facts I elected not to reveal: The Principle had
also talked with me extensively about Mary Ann's incompetence. He told me that some concerned and
quite wealthy parents had been in his office before the beginning of every school year demanding
that their kids be in one of the other two teachers classrooms. Because he did not believe in
Mary Ann's capabilities, he would make the changes without reservation. The formula was simple:
Those parents that didn't complain got their children put in Mary Ann's class. Those that did
complain, got automatic entry into one of the other two teacher's classrooms.
This explained the composite of Mary Ann's classrooms
each and every year. It's easy to look like a superior teacher when you have no kids in your
classrooms with learning and behavior challenges! But I didn't even go there with Mary Ann,
because it was a moot point.
We were NOW about the business
of turning a tough situation into a most victorious and empowering experience. It doesn't matter
if the treatment of the faculty and the politics of this school were fair, it doesn't even matter
about all the evidence that was stacked up. What mattered was giving Mary Ann NEW
EVIDENCE that she could rally around.
SuccessByte #3: It's All About Being A TurnAround Specialist, Not A Hero
If I had made this as an opportunity to begin
fixing Mary Ann, I would have given her a vibe that would unequivocally say that I also believed
her to be incompetent. Instead, my job as a TurnAround Specialist was to reveal to her New
Evidence and put a spin on it: this year's class of at-risk kids is a most incredible, viable and
valuable mission for her to make these kids the learners they can be.
In the opening of that day’s conversation, I quickly
put into place a few strategic pieces of new evidence for Mary Ann: I let her know that, because
of the unconditional regard and love she already is instilling in these children, she most
certainly can expect to be victorious. I professionally knew this could be true, because I'd had
many classes like this, and I had proved that the future of your student is whatever you decide
it's going to be. I was, in fact, affecting her decision by the deliberate spin I put on it.
Nothing is anything until you call it.
Pay attention here, because this goes against everything you thought you should be doing. What
I did from this point forward is very instructive.
I know what you are thinking right now; "But it's
not realistic for a teacher who's been such a Loser for twenty years to be able to make it with
such a tough class now!" Who better than Mary Ann to make this a win? Think about it. She
knows the pain of the labels these children have received by society, and they are only in first
grade for cryin'-out-loud! She's exactly the one for the job. Not only are we going to see her
become more empowered by this new evidence, we are going to see her heart light up with a passion
of purpose and mission. Now, for the first time, the vibes in the hallways and the faculty lounge
will no longer really matter, cause Mary Ann has a mission and she's got one person, me, who gets
it and totally believes she can do it!
Now I'm sure you are thinking, "But isn't this
manipulation?" The act of selecting new evidence is deliberate and straightforward.
Manipulation is none of these.
Here's some new evidence for you in regard to what
manipulation is really about. Manipulation is simply somebody trying to get their natural, normal
and necessary needs met, period. It is an indirect behavior that is learned from not being able
to ask outright. Think about it. It's a result of having been repeatedly knocked down when a need
was not being met, in spite of all direct efforts. We find ways of getting what’s needed for a
healthy life by using unhealthy methods.
Back to Mary Ann...
By leading with positive, new evidence which I had
actually observed in her classroom, I took my communication to a level that gave her the sense
that she was truly competent to make a significant difference in these children's lives.
Understand that the Mary Ann's of the world are rarely
genuinely complemented. If you complement just to be "making nice" or because you feel
sorry for them, they feel that vibe, and it is counterproductive and arrogant.
Let's review the new, true evidence that, as a
TurnAround Specialist, I submitted to Mary Ann for her consideration: 1) I really did think she
was great for having the courage to keep on keeping on with a very active bunch of kids. 2) The
love she showed each and every kid in that room had warmed my heart every time I had been in her
room. And, 3) Because she had unconditional regard for each and every child, I knew from my
professional experience that this alone would ultimately bring improved results before the end of
the school year.
As a TurnAround Specialist, the person I'm coaching
absolutely must not see me flinch or send the most minute vibe that I am holding an underlying
attitude that they are incompetent. At the beginning of making a connection with a person who has
asked me for my help, I refuse to even allow myself any thoughts of incompetence. Of course, the
thoughts keep knocking on the door of my mind, but I refuse them entry. I may refuse them a
bazillion times, but I make the right of refusal my primary practice in the early stages of
dealing with someone who needs me to see the greatness in them. I mentally refuse this by
continuously looking for evidence of competence, no matter how small, to hold as my focus while
I'm communicating with them. I did that with Mary Ann in three areas that I was able to then draw
her attention to. This keeps my energy clean and therefore, they will be picking up on new, and
uplifting/empowering vibes from me.
More times than not, this is the point at which we
lovingly tell the other person what they "should" be doing! You don't fix them by
yapping at them about a lot of stuff that they already know that they should be doing, but
haven't been able to have success with. If you do this, you're attitude is essentially saying
that you are superior and they ARE the weakest link (I just had to throw
that in; ok, so shame on me!).
With this underlying attitude vibrating right smack in
the middle of all your great advice, this person will decidedly remain stuck right where they
are. Arrogance knocks people down. It has nothing to do with them, it's all about your assumption
that you are the superior one. When you operate from this place, whether you meant to or not, you
defeat any good intentions you may have had going in. You are essentially reinforcing the
gazillion and one attitudinal vibes that have already been launched at them and that they then
replayed in their heads another gazillion times for the last fifty years.
As a TurnAround Specialist, what I can give is my firm
conviction about what this new evidence means. My conviction of what absolutely IS
possible because of it. This is not only the most powerful thing I can do, it is unequivocally
necessary for this person's psyche to accept a new and greater reality for themselves. They can
not accept this if I am still holding any form of condescension or arrogance about being superior
to them in any way. I make us equal. Whether we are or not in this moment is totally irrelevant
when you look for new evidence.
Being a TurnAround Specialist, when done correctly,
empowers people. You are in fact being supportive in a way that is healthy, because your vibes
are saying: "Yes, you can, and I'm going to do the greatest human thing I can do for you by
simply believing in you. And, I will hold firm to the new evidence as we proceed along, with no
attachments on my part to your outcome. In other words, I don't get to be disappointed by
anything you elect to do or not do."
Now, from this place, even if you are dealing with a
very negative person with really icky energy, an attitudinal vibe like this one literally
transforms the fearful negative energy of that person.
SuccessByte #4: You do not do any of the work.
The people you are being a TurnAround Specialist
with will step up into a higher level of consciousness from the new evidence alone. If you are
exhausted after you've been with this person, then you are still thinking that you are the only
one who can fix them, and you are still treating them as if they are incompetent. It's still the
same vibe, and you are the one losing energy, not them. When you remain in a position of being a
TurnAround Specialist by looking for new evidence with them, then they have ownership. It's not
you doing the work, it's the evidence. It is energy-giving rather than energy-draining.
After giving her the new evidence — real statistics
that 56% of her classroom were student's at-risk and therefore below level learners — Mary Ann
instantly sat up straighter, and it was like somebody turned a big honkin' light on in her eyes.
Color was returning to her checks, and she remarked that she had intuitively felt that this class
was more difficult than any she'd had before. She also shared with me that she thought she was
not doing a good job at all and had been feeling very inept where these kids were concerned. She
thought it was all her fault.
She said she wanted my help, because she was still
terribly frightened about the conferences coming up. She felt that the parents wouldn't accept
their children being behind schedule in their academics and she wanted to know that if she needed
me, she could call me and would I come down if she had really upset parents that she couldn't
handle.
Treat a person as he is, and he will remain as he is.
Treat a person as if he were what he could be,
and he will become what he could and should be.
—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The First of Many BreakThroughs
First, I told her that I was available to her any
time she needed me. (That's right, I told her ANY TIME SHE NEEDED) I was
planning on working in my office so parents could find me, and I could be available for her if
she needed. Understand how huge this was for Mary Ann. I doubt that any one in this school had
ever really been there for her. She asked and I said yes, and I left it wide open and for all
eternity. I knew she would never abuse my offer to be there for her any time, any place,
because she was a loner and a giver herself, and I doubt that she could ever really bring herself
to ask anybody for much of anything.
It wasn't about would I DO the
parent conference for Mary Ann. For Mary Ann it was about knowing that, if she began to falter a
little bit on her own new found evidence and conviction toward her new sense of purpose, she had
my conviction and physical presence.
Mary Ann gave a huge sigh of relief, wiped away a tear
that got away from the side of her eye. It was apparent that she had shifted her energy into a
more confident state, that her fear was subsiding, and she was becoming more relaxed. How sweet
an energy shift can be. (This is why being a TurnAround Specialist is energy giving and why being
a Fixer is energy depleting!)
I went on to remind her that, now that we had the new
evidence, she no longer had to blame herself for the level of difficulty of this class. With that
in mind, she could now get to work on designing her classroom activities according to standards
that would work better with these kids. I spoke to her as if she would in fact be able to
determine what those new standards needed to be. My confidence in her ability to determine that
kicks the creative mechanism of her mind into a higher gear, and new ideas will begin to flow to
her.
I suggested to her that, rather than use this new
evidence to justify, rationalize, defend, debate or explain her current situation with this class
to the parents, all she needed to do was simply talk about the positive qualities of the child,
how great this kid was, and what great things she saw as possible for this kid to accomplish in
the upcoming months. I also told her that, six months from now, it would be all be irrelevant
anyway, because she would be getting new and exciting results with these kids.
As a TurnAround Specialist, I get to put whatever spin
on it I can see the possibility of. I can suggest a possible vision for a probable future. Three
things just got turned around:
1) She is now including the parents in her vision and letting them know how great she thinks
their kid is; thus, they will start seeing greater things in their kid, especially the parents
of the 56% at-risk kids.
2) She's accepting a new probable future and will begin creating lesson plans that fit the new
vision.
3) Whatever scuttlebutt the parents have heard out in the community about how incompetent their
child's teacher is just became null and void, because they are now excited about what is going
to be happening for their kid.
The Rest of the Story
Mary Ann didn't call me to come down during any of
the parent teacher conferences. The little bit of time I spent with her that day -- under an hour
-- would assist her for weeks to come. Later she told me how much it helped her just to know that
I supported her.
Within a few weeks after this, Mary Ann found my
course offered in the PSU Continuing Education catalog and signed up immediately for my November
course, called Breaking the Cycles of Failure. She was an excellent student. In this adult
setting, it was inspiring to watch her work through her issues and try to learn and understand
how to be more effective with her students and her life. I was privileged to watch her take risks
in my classroom with other adults, and with me, that she had never taken before. She felt totally
safe in this setting because she left her old labels outside the door.
As time went on, and as she asked her own questions of
me, in and out of my class, her first grade classroom situation was improving dramatically
because of her shifts and changes. Occasionally, I would even hear other teacher's taking notice
of her accomplishments. However, we just don't let go easily of the old and accept or support the
new in someone, so what often occurs in the next breath is some sort of downplay or discounting
of the new evidence.
Mary Ann ended up taking the advanced training of my
course in the winter session, and then repeated the first course again in the spring. The result
of all of her intention to "get" this stuff was that her first graders had phenomenally
improved on the same assessment test, which was repeated in the spring, to show what the children
had actually accomplished that year. The standard improvement normally shown by the best of
teachers would be an increase of about 2 points. Mary Ann's class had increased it's overall
score by 4.7 points. OUTSTANDING. Needless to say, she and her
student's broke through many cycles of failure in those seven months.
If you've read this story, then you undoubtedly have people in either your work, personal life
or both, who have been a concern to you. You are either 1) Mary Ann with zero support in your
world, or 2) you are the person who is exhausted with trying to get the Mary Ann's to perform at
higher levels.
Two final points.
First: If you see yourself as the Mary Ann in this story, take heart and don't wait for
someone to tell you how great you are. If you will notice, Mary Ann did in fact receive a lift
from my unconditional regard for her, BUT, she took the ball from there,
masterfully handled the parent teacher conferences and then entered herself in course work. I did
not tell her to take my class, by the way. This she did through her own investigation. You are
never without POWER. Maybe I won't be coming to your place of work and
walking into your office to tell you that you are great to your face, but if you've read this,
then you DO IN FACT HAVE THE POWER to go further now. It's all about
information, and you haven't gotten enough about how great you really are and how much
attitudinal power you really do have in being a huge influence on your world.
And the last thing I will tell you is this, in my Mary
Ann story, neither the Principal nor the any person on that faculty ever did acknowledge directly
to Mary Ann what a great job she did that year, even though the results of the assessments were
published. And because of where you are today, this may seem to be terribly disheartening and a
totally unfair end to this story. You see, Mary Ann was so incredibly uplifted by her own
personal power and what she had accomplished with the toughest class in school, that it no longer
mattered to her that they still looked down their noses at her. Her cup was filled, in fact her
cup was maxed-out, and she knew that in the confines of her classroom she could make the
miraculous happen with any kid they gave her. In fact she had a new attitude that said,
"Bring em' on!"
It is not, nor will it ever be, about getting
"them" to admit what a good and deserving person you are. It's about YOU
having the biggest, fullest cup because of what YOU can and will put
together as you begin to pursue more knowledge now. When you take a step toward learning, new
supportive individuals will show up in your world. Believe me on this.
Second: If you are the one who has been frustrated with a Mary Ann, I simply suggest that
you take an honest inventory of everything you've tried so far. What was your true attitude
behind your well-meaning attempts?
This is not an exercise in beating yourself up or
making yourself wrong. What's important here is not the past, but beginning to fully understand
how debilitating a negative attitudinal vibration can be to the Mary Ann's, and that you are
guaranteeing that you will get more of the same with this person.
Whether it's with a colleague, a young child, an
adolescent or a spouse, being a TurnAround Specialist will dramatically alter the course of the
current road you are struggling along.
Hey, if what you've been doing is leaving you
exhausted, it's just because you've been trying a bunch of ideas that may only have partially
worked, if at all. We are the generation that is now questioning and discerning what really does
work in communication and in creating harmonious, supportive relationships.
You can take all the classes you want on the
"correct" way to say this or that, but if your attitude is sending off an
entirely different vibe than what you are verbally saying, then that is why you are still getting
half-baked results.
To become a TurnAround Specialist it takes a
willingness to look for new evidence and apply your right of refusal to the negative appearance
of any existing evidence or of today's reality.
It takes time, perseverance and unconditional regard,
love and support, but a new victory will ultimately be born.
So, if you have the courage to try becoming a TurnAround Specialist, either as a Mary Ann
learning to step into your greatness, or as a person who's well meaning intentions have
inadvertently been debilitating, know this: you cannot fail at this, you can only get results. If
you don't like the results you get, try again, or better yet, write me, and I'll help you
fine-tune what you are trying.
And remember this, no matter what you elect to do or try with this information, as I have
written in my book,
|
